Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Leslie

Some say that your children are payback for what you did to your parents during your childhood. As we don't have kids of our own yet, I believe that I had a preview of what is to come with Leslie.* Suffice it to say that this 4 year-old was a chatterbox all day, and constantly out of her seat. Finally during nap time while she was rolling herself up in her mat and talking (not even whispering) to her neighbors I had to tell her to move her clothespin down a level. At that naive age I, too, did not appreciate nap time. I even threw grapes at the losers that actually slept.

We all had behavior systems growing up, and the teacher that I was substituting for used a weather theme: a sun is 'excellent' behavior all day; partly cloudy means that their behavior was not perfect; a cloud means multiple corrections throughout the day and a conduct mark, and the last level, rain, means that they have to sit out recess the following day. Leslie's clothespin was already on partly cloudy. She gets up, takes me by the hand and leads me to the weather chart. Pointing to the different levels she explains that if she gets a cloud her mother will be very upset and if she gets a storm (I swear that her voice starts to crack), she will not get dessert that night.

I sympathize with the poor girl. I mean, who am I to deny someone dessert? It was probably something really good that night, too - like chocolate cake or banana pudding with vanilla wafers. So I decide to make her a deal. I say, "Leslie, I love dessert and I don't want you to miss out on dessert either. But you are going to have to behave the rest of the day. It is 1pm right now. Do you think that you can make it 2 more hours?" She agrees, and as she walks off I am sure that she is thinking "sucker."

*Name changed

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Heat Exhaustion...in November

Not all of my stories will be from substituting teaching. We have 2 Labrador retrievers, Coco and Sadie, and they keep our life interesting. Like the time that they ate our ottoman. Or the time they shredded all of our DVD collection. Not a single DVD survived. But I digress. To provide a little background, these dogs are about 70 lbs each and spoiled to the point that think they are house cats. They also have boundless energy - the vet informed me that labs typically stay in 'puppy' phase for about 3 years, which means that we have about 2 years to go with Sadie. I did not do my research before we got them.

I have found that the best way to manage their energy level is to take them running. I mean, these dogs have trained for half marathons with me. On this particular day, I took them to the bike trails at Memorial Park and let them run off leash. One of the perks about working part-time is that you get to go to the park in the middle of the day when no one else is around. After about 30 minutes they look pretty exhausted, so I load everyone back in the car, but not before they find a mud puddle to roll around in. Now they are covered in toxic black sludge up to their heads as I transport them home.

When we arrive home, Coco stumbles getting out of the car. I hose both dogs off, but once inside Coco's back legs keep going out from under her and she cannot walk straight. I immediately think, "Oh My God, she has hip dysplasia." I have researched titanium hip replacements for dogs and they are not cheap. I begin envisioning her like one of those dogs on television with wheels for hind legs.

I call the vet and explain what has happened, and then carry her back into the car to preserve what is left of her legs. Once we arrive at the vet, Coco has made a miraculous recovery. Walking into the vet's office she shows no signs of the hip problems she displayed a mere 10 minutes ago. She even manages to bark incessantly at two kittens on display in the lobby for about 5 straight minutes.

The vet finally calls us into her office. After thoroughly inspecting Coco's hind legs she says, "Her hips actually look really good. But I think that she may have a slight case of heat exhaustion." I should mention here that I am not an irresponsible pet owner. The day was overcast and could not have been warmer than 80 degrees or so, but it was humid. The vet assures me that Coco will make a full recovery and on our way out the door, Coco, who has been drinking water the entire visit, vomits all over the floor. A lot. The vet decides that they should keep her for observation just in case, and they hook her up to a dog IV.

$200 later (and I think that is after our 'frequent visitor' discount, as we go to the vet for everything - you might say that we are over reactors), I pick Coco up after a full day of fluids and rest. I think that we both learned a valuable lesson that day - Coco learned not to overdo it, and I learned that heat exhaustion is possible in November in Houston.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

You Fancy

I am subbing for a middle school teacher and when I walk in the classroom, the kids tower over me and look more like high schoolers than 7th or 8th graders. Coolio's Gangster's Paradise starts playing in my head. They have also been doing practice TAKS tests all day, and the teacher has not left a lesson plan. Awesome. I decide that we will play hangman for the remainder of the period because while it technically a 'game,' it is the only thing that I can come up with on the fly that is also pseudo-educational. We are mid-puzzle when one student politely raises his hand asks, "Miss, are you rich?" I answer, "What makes you think that?" With a straight face and in the most innocent way possible he replies, "Well, you look kind of fancy." I can't help but start laughing and his classmates join in. I finally compose myself and say, "Let me ask you this: if I were rich, do you think that I would substitute teach?" He accepts this answer and we move on. My 'fancy' outfit that day was a t-shirt and cropped work-out pants that I attempted to make look professional with a pair of flats and a cardigan.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Pre-K Part II

This day was much less eventful but no less entertaining. I subbed for a multi-grade P.E. class, and the first class of the day is Pre-K. After I introduced myself to the class, one little girl walks up to me (picture the kid from Jerry Meguire but cuter) and pointing to 2 studs in her ears says, "I just got my ears pierced." Then, her friend tugs on my hand and says, "I am going to ask my mom if you can come to my house for my birthday party this weekend." I get invites to dinner or play dates from about 5 other preschoolers before the period is over. There is nothing like being the cool new kid in Pre-K to boost your ego.

Pre-K Part I

I love teaching younger kids. Not only are they adorable, but they love to come to school everyday and idolize their Teachers (and Substitute Teachers).  On this particular day, I arrived in the classroom shortly before noon and looked over the lesson plan. We would have rest time at noon, followed by a snack, a story, an arts and crafts project, and then recess. Sweet!

After recess one of the little girls, my 'Informer,' told me on her way inside that, "Ronald* smells like poo." Sure enough, Ronald was one of the last children to enter the classroom and was walking with his back against the wall. I pulled him aside as the other kids were getting settled and asked, "Ronald, did you have an accident?" He nodded his head unabashedly, and I told him to go into the restroom adjacent to the classroom. I popped my head in the Teacher's classroom next door where we shared a Teacher's Assistant (TA), told her what happened, and she said that she would be over shortly to walk Ronald to the Nurse.

About two minutes later, the bathroom door swings open and Ronald appears with his pants around his ankles. A distinct smell follows him into the classroom, drawing the attention of the other students, who begin laughing hysterically while pointing and saying, "Ronald smells like poo!" I try to coerce Ronald to put his pants back on while desperately trying to find the TA next door only to be told that, "She already left - she must have forgot." WHAT??? How can you forget something like this?! Now is also a good time to mention that this is also about the time that dismissal starts, so parents are lining up outside of the classroom to witness their children chanting, "Ronald smells like poo!" Finally, the nurse comes to the classroom to escort Ronald away, and as I watched him leave I could only hope that this incident would not follow him into high school.
*Names changed for obvious reasons